What if Mr. USA made some New Year’s resolutions?

If I had to characterize the contemporary USA as a single person, I would have to say the US would be a hyper-masculine white male intent on proving to the world he is god’s gift to the planet. He is the type of guy that talks really loud, brags incessantly, and thinks all women love him. Like most men of this ilk, he is all talk. He uses his brawn to smash others, doesn’t use his brain near enough, and sucks in bed. He needs to make A LOT of changes.

Here, in honor of the New Year, is a list of resolutions for Mr. USA:

  1. Lose the cis privilege. (Or at least lose the hypermasculine shtick)
  2. Get off the sauce. (Particularly the oil.)
  3. Exercise free speech. (Which will require de-corporatizing the media)
  4. Stop smoking out the planet. (I.e. quit with the toxic dumping, chemical burning, air polluting…)
  5. Curb the language. Give up the words “terrorism,” “enemy combatant,” and empty uses of “change.”
  6. Give peace a chance.  Stop using fists and guns and bombs so much.
  7. Eat better. Get off the high fructose corn syrup and factory farmed foods.
  8. Kick the (legal) drug habit. (Which will require revamping the FDA and nixing the Bio-Pharm Industrial complex)
  9. Change it up with a new color scheme. Forget the whole “terror alert” color chart and focus instead on erasing the color/class lines plaguing the country.
  10. Stop procrastinating. Do things to make the world a better place! Get your own country in order and give up on the empire plan!

Yeah, so these are lofty, but resolutions are meant to be…

Happy New Year everyone!


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