(A guest post from Constant Revision.)
Dear Edward: A Twilight Series Retort
Goddamn you Edward Cullen! Damn the soul you may or may not have to hell! You have no right, as you are the most fictional fiction character there ever was, to set the standards of romance that you have.
Your character’s quite literal intoxicating presence have ruined any chance I may have ever had of being someone’s one and only.
Stories have swept water cooler conversations, marital counseling offices, and blogs like Fmylife.com, promoting the female species to ask themselves why males aren’t more like, the vampire, Edward Cullen. It’s not fair.
We males are cheated by this — there is no way men can fully convince their girlfriends they are vampires without being arrested for giving hickeys frightfully similar to assault.
What is it that makes you so much better than the rest of us, Edward?
Is it your pale white skin? Couldn’t be, albinos would be Hugh Heffner status.
Is it your animal-like blood lust? Nope, that would put cannibals at the top of the most eligible bachelor’s list.
I have a theory, please stop me if I am on the wrong track:
Women are enamored by your dangerously sexual dependence on one female whom you are supernaturally enthralled by.
This theory covers all the strong basis for attraction evident in your stories encapsulated via the claim “You are like my own personal brand of heroine.”
Your words fluttered teenage girls’ hearts across the nation and made their way to internet e-cards and social networking cites.
This sexual dependence is even more effective because it takes you so long to satisfy that urge.
The remission you have before indulging is equivalent to a starved dog obeying a sitting command when a juicy steak lay in front of it. What female doesn’t fantasize about being wanted like that? Not only does it make them feel visually appealing, but also needed.
I hope you know why us mere mortal men are unable to accomplish this feat. The reason we can’t live up to you is because the kind of obsessive behavior you enact would lead to stalking and restraining orders. (You didn’t get served that little slip by a process server only because Bella Swan feels the same way.)
Bella is, in fact, the entire reason that we could never live up to your image. She is just as enamored with you as you are with her. The connection between the two of you is quite literally love at first sight.
To meet the sick standards that you have set, that supernaturally obsessive feeling has to be mutual between two people. The women who tell their boyfriends that they wish they would act more like Edward Cullen should be careful about what they ask for. Because, if men follow suit, women might not be prepared to handle (or even like) that kind of adoration.
Mr. Cullen, because of the commotion you have started in the romantic world, and the trouble you have caused for the dating man, I sincerely ask you to stake yourself, or tear yours limbs asunder and throw them into a fire.
Whatever it takes to get you out of the picture and out of the minds of confused fans, just do it for the sake of those of us who are not fictional and actually have to deal with real life limitations and repercussions.
We can’t be you, we don’t want to be, and, quite frankly, there a number legal boundaries keeping us from that.
Don’t Bite My Girlfriend’s Neck
(Otherwise known as “Defender of the Dater” and “Constant Revision”)